Sidecar Coaching Blog
Perfect Imperfections and High Expectations in the Clutches of Perfectionism
Are you a self-proclaimed perfectionist? And if so, how do you regard that title? Is it a blessing or a curse?
Is it always the curse of better, “making you a person who always has to turn out a stellar product, performance result,” and if it doesn't turn out that way – the way you imagined it - does it send you into the depths of despair because nothing you do is ever good enough?
Are you hard on yourself as well as on others when they don't meet your level of standards or expectations? Or do you reserve those impossible standards just for yourself?
That's a lot to unpack, but there are so many people I talk to who are self-proclaimed protectionists and who come to Sidecar Coaching for guidance and advice. In my experience with self-proclaimed perfectionists, when something doesn't go right, the first thing they say is: “Well, I'm such a perfectionist. I'm really, really hard on myself.”
I'd like to define, first of all, what perfection is. According to the dictionary, perfection is defined as the condition, state, or quality of being free from all flaws, or defects.
Flawless perfection.
If you think about it like that, what in this world is perfect? Very, very, few things. And what is the definition of perfectionism? There are terms referenced in psychology, but I'd like to just simplify it and say that it's defined as a personal standard attitude or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything else. REJECTS ANYTHING ELSE! Nothing short of perfect is acceptable.
Wow.
How can any human ever live up to that standard? If that is your bar, if that is how you rate yourself, how in the world will you ever be satisfied with anything that you do? How do you ever not fall short of perfect?
What Does “Perfect” Mean to You?
For some people, perfectionism is just a “sometimes state.” In other words, they don't expect perfection in every aspect of their life. Maybe there's a certain thing that's going on in their life that they want it perfect – perhaps it is their wedding day – “I really want my wedding to be perfect,” or “I've got a project that I have to present, and it really, really has to be perfect.”
So, it's more or less a “sometime thing.” But for those who live in the house of perfection all the time, it needs to be examined why. In doing so, maybe we'll be able to uncover and realize what we're doing to ourselves in this truly, truly impossible pursuit.
All the things that we do to ourselves as humans for all kinds of reasons, among other things going so hard on ourselves – there must be an underlying reason that answers the question “Why?” Why are we doing that to ourselves?
I will admit that I have always had a tendency to be hard on myself with impossibly high standards. Honestly, I'm not really sure where this comes from, because I did not grow up in a home where my parents placed a high degree of importance on perfection at all. I had great parents and they let me be a kid. They were not expecting straight A's, they were not expecting perfect behavior - they let me be me. So, I put this all on myself – all these expectations of perfection.
Why Perfection?
If you are a perfectionist, the question to ask is “Why?” Why are you so wrapped up in perfectionism? What's your motive? Where does it come from? And what do you hope to achieve by being this way?
Could it stem from your desire to be better – “a better employee, a better boss, a better spouse, a better parent?”
Or, maybe you're focused more on what others will think or say about you? Think about that - if you think about perfection and achieving the state of perfection at all times, you put impossible stress on yourself with the impossible goal of being perfect or having the perfect outcome in a situation.
Now, here’s an important question: Was there a time when it ever was completely perfect? And if not, did the world end? Did you lose a friend, a job, or the respect of someone simply because it may not have been the perfect outcome that you thought you needed to have? Did you put yourself in the mindset that it had to be “all or nothing?”
Perfection or Failure, and Nothing in Between?
The truth is, if you think that way, you will never be satisfied. You will never be completely happy because you'll disappoint yourself every time. Every time you fall short of your expectations, your own expectations - the expectations that you put on yourself - you will disappoint yourself. You're the only one who expects perfection in your circumstances, no one else does.
Think about how can you adjust some of these thoughts and behaviors and set more realistic goals and expectations for yourself. As I talked about earlier, understanding where the need comes from is a wonderful place to start. That is because when you truly understand why you do something, you have a way to control or adjust the self-talk that you have. The time of change will come only when you can appreciate who you are and know what you're capable of.
Do you compare yourself to others? Do you feel a need to be like them? Or have what they have? What about giving yourself some grace and gratitude for who you already are? And the gifts the skills and the greatness that makes you the wonderful individual you are? Why does it have to be “all or nothing”?
If it's not perfect, then you failed? Why?
Beauty of Imperfection
You need to allow yourself to accept that perfect is a standard that can almost never be achieved. Instead of dwelling on achieving perfection and being driven by the thought of perfectionism, why not try to embrace all that you have achieved?
Celebrate your efforts, your wins, and your achievements – all those things that in other people's eyes are wonderful and powerful.
Why is it that you can be forgiving of other people, but you can't do that for yourself? Why not accept that whatever you do will not be perfect?
If you make a mistake or a misstep, why not look at it as something that you can learn and grow from?
Being a perfectionist is very, very lonely - it's very isolating. It pulls us away from others because we're so focused on our stress and worry to be perfect, that we don't have time to listen to or appreciate the kudos that we may be receiving.
But if you can learn to accept the imperfection, and even embrace it, you will begin to see and feel there's a huge weight lifted from you. The burden and stress of perfection is too much for anyone to carry for long, and many times it will affect your physical and your mental well- being.
You can be mindful of your thoughts, your actions, and the expectations that you put on yourself – nothing is absolutely perfect.
You'll see that you can begin to change if you embrace mindfulness and set realistic expectations and standards – the change won't happen overnight, and it's not easy. But for those of you who live with this mindset, I promise if you're mindful of your actions, and strive to accept imperfection, you'll find that life is much more joyful, and light - and wouldn't that be nice to live with joy and light!
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